Programming language "paradigms" are a moribund and tedious legacy of a bygone age. Modern language designers pay them no respect, so why do our courses slavishly adhere to them? This paper argues that we should abandon this method of teaching languages, offers an alternative, reconciles an important split in programming language education, and describes a textbook that explores these matters. Categories and Subject Descriptors D.3.3 [Programming Languages]: Language Constructs and Features General Terms Languages Keywords Programming languages curriculum